Today I wanted to sit down and share with you all what has been going on in my life at the minute, how I’m currently feeling, what I’m looking forward too etc. I got this idea from my favourite Blogger/Youtuber Katie Snooks (credit to you Katie!) I thought it was a good idea because obviously so much has changed in my life this year, so I thought you guys might appreciate an honest, chatty blog post about it!
How I have been feeling with life right now
Honestly, I am still struggling with this new chapter of my life. Not because I am disliking being a new mum, I absolutely adore it (even though it leaves me very tired every day I would not change it for the world!) There are some things I miss that I used to do/have in my life. For example, I don’t see some of my old friends anymore. I am not sure whether it’s because they are simply busy with their own lives now, or because I obviously can’t go out whenever I please because I have a baby. I have definitely noticed the loss and the lack of communication with some people. I guess that would indicate that perhaps they were not true friends to begin with, however I still miss being around them, and not having any responsibilities that restrict me as much as I do now.
This doesn’t mean all of my friends have been like that, I have had a few close friends who have been incredibly understanding, patient and amazing. These are the people I feel blessed to be surrounded by because they allow me to remain positive and happy, raise this new little family of mine, and bring out the best version of myself. Unfortunately Nick has also been in the same boat with the loss of some friends, but I guess it’s a part of life and at the end of the day, we will always have each other, and we have Felix so that’s all that should matter.
I miss having me time, I honestly didn’t realise I would lose every moment of my life once I had a baby, so this adjustment has made it hard to find time to do the things I love, even reading a book or finishing a cup of coffee can be impossible. This obviously has made my two passions, blogging and filming videos a huge challenge because I find myself rarely having the time to do, which leaves me feeling really upset as obviously these are my passions. However, I have so much motivation and ideas for content I want to create so I definitely won’t ever lose my spark for what I love. I just try my best to squeeze in the time when I can, as well as the occasional sneaky bath!
I don’t want to sound selfish, but I also miss sitting on my porch in the sun, drinking a couple of bottles of wine with my best friend without a care in the world. This was something we did together because we were not people who went out and partied, we preferred gossiping about our favourite celebrities, obsessing over the Marie Antoinette Soundtrack and eating home made bruschetta. Not saying that those days are completely over now, but they do have to be planned a lot more. I just miss how we could spontaneously have wine dates at little notice, because we live so close to eachother. It was just our thing, you know. I believe everybody is allowed to have their own thing without fear of judgement.
I also miss being able to plan spontaneous trips because for one, we obviously we are not as wealthy as we once were when the both of us were working. That’s totally fine though, I love being a stay at home mum and I would prefer that than childcare any day. However we can’t just randomly book a trip to Bali like most people my age can. Going out to dinners/special events need to be planned or we prepare to take Felix with us. Life is definitely not as easy as putting some lippy on, grabbing your handbag and heading out the door.
Other that the things I’m missing, there are a lot of reasons to make me smile. My little boy is growing more and more each day, constantly surprising us with new things, and making us laugh. Nick and I have been learning how to reconnect again, as I do admit we have had lots of arguments this year which on many occasions made me really depressed and I would find myself feeling alone, thinking about how my life didn’t end the way I wanted it to so many years ago. Just to give you a rundown, I had a dream of becoming an actress and had plans to move back to Melbourne to begin an acting school. My goal was to make Home and Away, and end up marrying one of my good friends who I had been in love with for as long as I could remember. He was a drummer in a band, and had been in a relationship for years though, so it was very unlikely it was going to ever happen but I still held onto that hope. I imagined that one day we would both be famous, living in a big house on the mainland somewhere with two huskies that we would walk everyday together. I even named them.
But then I met Nick. Complete opposite to the drummer boy (apart from the hair). We got along really well, he was sweet, and wasn’t in a long term relationship. When I found myself really liking him a lot, I was honest with him so he was knew my plans, and the fact if I was to pursue a relationship with him, he would have to understand I needed time to get over somebody else first. Nick was so kind and understanding, and the more time I spent with him, the more I realised I didn’t want to move anymore. I wanted to stay here and be with him. He made me realise that I can see a future with somebody else and I can be happy in a different situation that I once imagined (which let’s face it, probably wasn’t going to happen as going after somebody’s boyfriend is incredibly wrong, I know this now.)
Do I have my regrets though? Sure, it does make me upset that I didn’t end up going to acting school. However, this was the sacrifice I made to be with Nick. If I didn’t make this decision in life, I wouldn’t have what I do now, and that is Felix, and a boyfriend who puts up with me no matter what mood I’m in or how many tantrums I throw a month (props to you babe!) We have a lovely little family life that I now would not take back for the world. I just hope he returns the favour and makes sacrifices for me too considering I gave up everything for him. Since discovering my love for Youtube and blogging many years ago, they became my new passions, and Nick is always 100% percent supportive and on board with it. So what I have been doing lately when I find myself feeling down is to focus on the positive things in life. I do admit it can be quite hard sometimes because having a baby is a tough job, and sometimes Nick can be selfish with the amount of time he puts into his games, leaving me with hardly any time to do my own hobbies. It’s frustrating as hell, and we argue over it a lot to this day. I feel like his online gamer friends encourage him to play too often even though he has a baby, which just annoys me even more. however sometimes I just need to take a deep breath and remember that at the end of the day, Nick is a good dad and loved Felix endlessly. Instead of fighting with him, I’m trying to teach myself to have more patience, and to calmly talk to him about my feelings instead of yelling at him which never ends well. Another thing I have to remember is Nick WANTS to be around. He’s in it for the long haul. He always talks about our future together, having more kids, how excited we will be when we buy Felix’s first bike together, and his first big boy bed. There are a lot of single mums out there doing it 100% on their own, and my goodness that would be a tough job. Therefore I in fact am the lucky one to have a partner like Nick. So instead I put a smile on my face, have a positive attitude, and if things need to be evaluated I will do them in a more mature and respectful manner because who wants to purposely anger the ones we love? I’ts honestly not worth the time or energy, especially if it’s such a small issue that can be resolved easily by simple communication.
Things I’m looking forward to
Having a baby in your life certainly doesn’t leave much time for dates. Because this is such a life changing thing, spending quality time with your partner becomes more important than it did before bub arrived. Nick and I get to spend some time together obviously when Felix goes to bed, but so far we have only gone on some what of a ‘date’ once, and that was just to the movies to see the new Jurassic Park (which was so good!). Felix was babysat by my mum for the very first time, so it was really nerve racking! The first time we were both away from him was a big milestone for me, however I’m hoping the more he is babysat the more confidence I’ll gain so Nick and I can finally have a full night to ourselves to go out for dinner and drinks on our seven year anniversary. This is something I’m looking forward too! If it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen, but I do need to learn that it’s okay to leave him with my family occasionally as he sees them all the time anyway, his eyes just light up when they walk into the room! I’m still a new mum though so I’ll learn eventually.
I am also looking forward to the day I can finally go out for a few hours and have a brunch and wine date with my best friend. We always talked about going somewhere really lovely by the water when I was able to drink again to have a sophisticated afternoon like fancy ladies. We are hoping to plan that in a few weeks as now I’m weaning Felix off with breastfeeding. I just need to relax a bit more and trust Nick with him while I am gone as I stress so much with Nick’s gaming that Felix won’t be supervised to my liking. I know I may sound like a helicopter mum, and gosh I probably am. But I just want to make sure my son is 100% safe and happy at all times, especially whilst I’m not home. I have been able to go out to the hairdressers, nail salon and to get my eyebrows done multiple times now while Felix has been with his Dad, so I should be fine to plan our brunch date finally after over a year of talking about it because far out I deserve it!
Long term things I am looking forward to is obviously Felix’s first birthday, when he starts walking and talking, and moving house. This is something I am hoping we are able to save for next year, as we have lived in the same place for years and it’s never felt like my home. (don’t get me started, I won’t stop.) Now with our own family, I look forward to moving on with our lives and making some new, fresh memories in a place that feels just right for me (and has a nice bathroom and kitchen!)
It has felt really good to finally open up and write all this down today. Especially considering I have fought for the time to do so! (Another thing I look forward to is more time to do my hobbies again!) I hope you enjoyed my post today, and just remember when life gets you down, try to focus on the positives over the negatives. Remember what you have, over what you don’t. Be grateful, have a happy heart, and never forget to smile. It looks good on you 🙂
Love, A xx