Disclaimer: I just want to say that these are all my own opinions/feelings, and I am quite aware that every woman, and every pregnancy is also different. I do not expect to be judged/slandered for anything I may/may not mention in this post that might not agree with you. If you don’t agree with something I say, just click out please. Lets not start any negativity. I pride myself to offer you all with a very honest and raw blog of me, 100%. No bullshit present here.
First, I’ll give you guys a spill on what made us decide to try for a baby.
Before I was pregnant, I actually longed to be a mother for many years, however needed to wait until my other half was ready to begin trying. After all, you can’t force somebody to be ready when you are, and the idea of an accidental pregnancy (not that there is anything wrong with a surprise) wasn’t my cup of tea. I wanted us to both be in the right place and both want it equally, so we could begin the exciting journey of trying together. I also didn’t want to have any alcohol still in my system when I conceived, so therefore another good reason to just wait until Nick was 100% ready to go for it.
It was around mid-end January when we finally began ‘trying’ to fall pregnant. Nick was 25, and I was 28. I consider myself very blessed that Nick was ready at this stage of his life considering the age gap between us (and obviously the maturity growth difference between males and females).
After my sister’s hens night, I had this feeling that I possibly could be pregnant. I believe my period was a couple of days late, so deep down inside I really got my hopes up. I admit this has happened before in the past and Nick normally would get a little freaked out about it, showing me he wasn’t ready. This time, his reaction was more like acceptance over “oh shit” if you know what I mean. He sounded like if I was to be pregnant he would be okay with it. When I did a pregnancy test however once I returned home and found it to be negative, my heart broke a little. Nick had known how badly I had wanted this, so we spoke openly about it (which included a couple of mini arguments and tears from me, not going to lie) but we finally decided that we would start trying after my sisters wedding. The condition was that I give up the wine bottle for a few weeks before we began to try, and I wasn’t allowed to have a drink unless I got my period each month. Nick and I were really blessed, and it only took up four months of trying to finally conceive.
If you would like to hear a run down on my first trimester of pregnancy, including all my symptoms I had, our reactions after taking the test and so on, click on the video below which is all about my first trimester of my pregnancy. As in this post today, I wanted to focus more on my feelings about the entire process up until the day I am writing this post. If you check out my channel further I also have a second trimester update video, a gender reveal and a baby haul as well, if that is something you might be interested in.
How have I really been feeling?
My first trimester I was fine, the only worries I had were all the normal ‘what if I miscarry’ continuous thoughts that I would imagine are normal in early pregnancy as the first 3 months is always the risky stage. Other that that, I was happy. Excited. Over the moon that Nick and I had conceived a little being that we would meet one day in the near future. Working in childcare whilst in my first trimester became more fun for me as well, and more like a ‘happy place’ than my ‘work place.’ I would watch the children run around and play, (like I would normally) living their lives to the fullest, exploring and discovering and asking me all these questions, and telling me crazy little stories. But when I knew I finally had one of these special little beings growing inside me too that will be my very own, it really added to the excitement, hope and joy to my normally basic work/sleep/repeat life. The future was all I thought about and couldn’t stop thinking about a baby shower and how we would reveal the gender to our family and friends. I was on happy street, every day.
Fast forward to the second trimester. I never once stopped being happy and excited we were expecting. Bub was growing more and more each day, and all of our doctor/midwife appointments were positive ones. However, throughout my second trimester, I began to experience these really strange, uncomfortable feelings about this entire journey. I do not know why, or where they came from. I find them really hard to explain as well so I will try to do my best to explain them to you now.
Basically, at any random moment of the day (also not every day), but for only a few seconds/minutes max, I would get this like gush of a really uncomfortable, feelings, but not a physical one, a mental one. Basically, when I would experience this really peculiar feeling, I would feel really yuck in my stomach, as if I was grossed out by the entire thing. I hated people touching and getting close to me and my bump (especially Nick, which I found the weirdest being the father and all!) Through the seconds/minutes I would get this odd wave of unexpected feelings, when I would think about all my loved ones, it would make me feel so incredibly uncomfortable! Thank goodness when these episodes happened, they wouldn’t last long, and when they did I also not once felt any negativity towards my son himself, which is good as I already felt so guilty for experiencing these out of the blue feelings involving family and Nick, and it definitely didn’t feel normal.
Obviously I wanted to know what was wrong with me, so I went to see my lovely doctor, whom I tried my hardest to explain these feelings too. We had a big talk, and discovered a few things to why this was happening. The first was obviously pregnancy hormones. I had never had a baby before, so it made perfect sense to why I would sometimes not be feeling myself, or uncomfortable about such a big change that was going to happen. In fact, my doctor said it is completely normal and natural for expectant mothers to experience feelings like these during pregnancy. Once again, all woman are different, not every pregnancy is the same, and I was a first time mum as well. My life was completely different before all of this. Also somebody told me that you either love pregnancy, or you don’t. I was definitely in the ‘don’t love’ category.’ The second was my history of anxiety and stress, as well as the post traumatic disorder I suffered for two years after getting my drink spiked about 7 years ago (a story I explain on my Youtube channel) that could have triggered it. Again, this made a lot of sense to me. Perhaps from my experience with PTD mixed with regular episodes of my everyday anxiety, part of me felt like I didn’t deserve being pregnant at all, or perhaps even the thought of keeping my child safe it’s entire life frightened me, after what had happened to me so many years in the past. So there wasn’t anything wrong with me after all, I was just experiencing first time mum feelings which can range from many different emotions, as well as past life experiences trying to cloud my current happiness and joy. So in order to move forward I needed to fight those feelings.
After than appointment, every time I felt an uncomfortable feeling creep up on me, I would try my hardest to push it far, far away, and continuously tell myself I should be happy and positive. Instead of letting myself end up thinking I don’t deserve this new chapter of my life, I would think of all the exciting things planned for our future, and the memories we would create. What was our son going to look like? what features of myself and Nick will he have? What will his voice sound like? What about his personality? Will he inherit Nick’s lovely brown eyes and kind caring nature? Will he have my cheekbones and smile? What will his first interests be, hobbies? Favourite foods? Obsessions?
These thoughts and many more helped me move past any negative feelings, and made it easier for me to turn my hormones or anxiety ridden brain around towards a happier, calmer frame of mind. Once I felt the negativity lift away, I was able to breathe and take in all the happy thoughts, plans and feelings properly, not just ‘sometimes.’ I became more confident and okay with people touching me and my baby, started to learn to love my bump (even though I hardly fit into any of my clothes now) and Nick even reads to my bump now and I don’t feel that cringy feeling anymore. The baby shower certainly helped, as I was overwhelmed by all the love, joy and support that was in the air, which made me realise this is a time for celebrating, not hiding away in bed on days my mind would spin around in circles of negative emotions. As there was no need for these emotions and feelings! Myself and Nick wanted this, we deserved this 100% and we also deserved happiness.
So how do I feel now?
Apart from all the horrible symptoms the third trimester can bring such as body aches and pains, breathlessness, sore feet and occasional episodes of nasty stomach bugs (oh the joys!) I am mentally much, much better. In fact, I could probably say it has been beyond weeks since I felt any negativity and uncomfortable emotions. This makes me so proud, the fact I was able to tell myself I could push past it, I would push past it, and then be successful in doing so. Now the only thing that makes me anxious in the anticipated wait for his arrival which could be any day now apparently. Oh and of course, the stress of the unexpected, what it’s going to feel like and what pain methods I want to take (which I keep changing my mind about!) I guess I’ll just take each day as it comes till it’s time, go into the hospital with an open mind, and focus on making new and irreplaceable memories of a new future with Nick and our special little son. The thought of our first walk in the park together with our new beautiful stroller and a coffee in hand brings me so much joy and excitement. This is something I think I’ll focus on in labour, when the contractions become too much. Another scenario I plan to focus on is sitting outside in the garden with my best friend, having a glass of wine in the sun, my little man lying happily in his gorgeous bassinet and Nick coming out to give him a little cuddle whilst I finally can have a ‘best friend day’ and enjoy life’s simple pleasures. (responsibly, of course!)
I don’t know if this blog post will in any way help someone throughout their pregnancy. If it does, fantastic. If not, that’s okay too. However, I still wanted to share how I have been feeling regardless, because writing is a passion of mine, and this is also an experience I have never been through before so it will be nice to have all these current life changes written down somewhere special and safe, so if I want to reminisce one day, I can. Although to be honest with you, I don’t really want to be reminded just yet of how much I haven’t enjoyed much of this pregnancy, because there is a chance Nick and I might like a second child one day and I don’t want to be turned off!
If you are an expectant first time mother and are beginning to experience similar feelings such as I have, just remember that it is all normal, it will eventually pass and you will move on from it. It doesn’t make you a bad person what so ever. If you do need to talk to somebody whether it be a family member, friend or your doctor, go for it, I know it helped me. Now these days all I can think about (apart from birth, eeek!) is how excited and anticipated I am to finally be able to meet my son, and hold him in my arms for the very first time. I’m curious to know how that feels like, to completely fall in love with a little being I created with the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
I know at the end of this long and very tiresome journey, no matter how much of a struggle it has been, it’s all going to be worth it.